I feel helpless, pathetic and sad.

This is mostly due to the fact that things are horrible in the family department. After some unfortunate events such as my mom reading my diary (WTF!) nothing seems to be working out..
Just cause I’m a little wild at heart they are treating me as if the moment they set me free I’m gonna end up with 5 piercings, 10 tattoos, 15 boys and a coke addiction..

It just breaks me.. I have the greatest dad in the world and the amount of pain I feel when I see him sad just kills me.. Yet I seem to make him sad constantly.. So what is it that makes me act the way I do?

Why can’t I be some goody-two-shoes? I know plenty of girls who would be the ideal daughter for my parents. Why can’t I be that way? 

Argh. This was supposed to be over once I'm 18!?

Seems like I always have this urge to fuck things up when all is perfect.

I don’t understand what it is that made me the way I am? No crazy genes, no traumatic experience as a kid.. WTF?

"Listen to me...you have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you.”

Indeed he does.

 On another note, Ankara sucks balls, and I wonder why it took me 20 years to realize this!? (though I am grateful it is not nearly as lame as Binghamton :P)

I need a new city..

Somewhere where I’ll hear people rocking to Black Sabbath at some bar as I’m on my way to see the new art exhibition of some Alex Grey-ish artist. Where as I’m walking I wouldn’t get cat-called by creepy men or receive the “mah god! Look at what she’s wearing!” kinda look from some shallow bitch..Where I wouldn’t have to pretend to be someone else to be accepted.

Will it ever be?

Blah...

 I’m trying to think “pink”

Currently Undertow By Tool Sober see related

I’m really starting to get sick of facebook. It’s almost necessary to keep one, but I feel as if its driving people away from each other, nowadays I often find myself discussing something on with a friend on FB, whereas normally it would be face-to-face or on the phone.

Even xanga was better, at least it was writing that we communicated through and not just some stupid picture comments.

But oh well.

 “God I love communicating, I just hate the shit we’re missing...”

Update:

So for the past few months my focus on life was to be a “better” person. And my oh my, it is a lengthy process.

 I am sort of stuck in the middle.

 I keep thinking about the things in my past that I would consider a “mistake”now, and try to understand whether I should be regretful for all that I’ve lost or just be happy for what I got?

 Also another thing that’s been bothering me is the future.. God, honestly, politics SUCKS.

WTF.

I had big dreams when I choose my major “Yes Yes I’m going to save the world!”, but unfortunately the reality has hit me hard. (Well it actually hit me quite awhile ago, but now I’m just over feeling depressed about it and instead trying to come up with some sort of a solution.)

But honestly...right now I’ld rather be a bartender or something at some fancy jazz bar, where the music is always good and I could just drink, be myself, and people-watch. hmmm doesn't sound bad actually..

In other news, I'm dying to get this tattoo..

I just have to sacrifice never being able to wear a swimsuit around my parents..

Oooohhh and almost forgot.

Last night this guy was chasing me in a nightmare. He was huge. I was small. And everything else was green. Not your perfect combination.

WAT?

Currently Listening Costello Music By The Fratellis see related

Wow.

2007 march!?

It's been half a year!

But I'm back! better than ever

Unfortunately no one reads xanga, but what the hell, I figured this is an awesome way to document my youth! Just looking at "my favourites" section on the left cracks me up partly, but I'm not planning to change it.

Soooooo anyways!

2007 was the craziest year in my life. It lasted for 30 years. But with all its good and bad, its in the past now. Welcome to you 2008!!

I did it.! I've seen them alive!! the Dresden Dolls!! Without a doubt this was one of my biggest dreams, and I finally did listen to them alive. and let me tell you, it was a life changing experience!- the best musical event of my life without a doubt- and not just the Dolls, but everything about the whole night!

First were The Cangelosi Cards- they even had a tap dancer, it was simply beautiful!

Joonas- this guy was amazing! I wanna do exactly what he does for living!

Meow Meow

Then The Luminescent Orchestrii

They reminded me of Gogol Bordello- and their performance was AMAZING!

and oh my...their drummer kept flirting with me on stage! and after the show he came and told me that he kept seeing  me in the audience  and wanted to know what I was up to after the show! damn....

haha. of course I did the "right" thing and left. I suck at being a groupie, for good!!

and after the Luminescent orchestrii.....

THE DRESDEN DOLLS!!!!

I cant even make a comment about them! Don't you die before seeing them alive!!! and I was in the front center- (was worth waiting 5 hours!)

 woot woot that bottle is now mine!

Brian is quite possibly the sexiest man on earth.. And I hugged him in all that sweat! haha.

 and oh my..the lovely miss amanda palmer.. and a HAPPY me!

and another thing to note, as I was trying to get myself a dresden dolls hoodie, this guy came to me and we had a quick conversation

now im really curious..but oh well.. I love it how he doesn't know who I am aswell!

So yea..that was pretty much it my dears..

and oh all the pictures (besides the last crappy one with my phone) are from this girl who was standing right next to me, I gave her my spot, she gave me her pictures :) (fairytalevegas.com)

I love 2008 already

muah!

Currently Listening The Dresden Dolls By The Dresden Dolls see related

I do believe it is a good time to share the news..

School is almost over besides the 3 finals I have this week..but I'm already in the "holiday" mood (which I really shouldn't!) so its all good..

So during spring break me and Sanem decided to go to the Philosophy in the Aegean trip of our school. Too bad the student capacity was 16 and there was no room for us!

But that little issue wasn't going to stop us now was it?! So we told our parents we are going with the trip but planned our own ways of traveling and accomodation. and even though it was risky on many terms...everything went just perfect!

So in the day we walked around at the beautiful sea coast...

listened to philosophy talks in ancient sites...

drink at some local cafes.... (although what you see here is the "for parents" version :D)

And in the night....

well..i don't really have any pictures but some crazy memories to remember..

let's just say life doesn't get much more fun than this!

YaY!

And more recently...there was Mayfest at our college..and it' been eventful  3 days to say the least..

I think I pretty much felt all sorts of emotions this month..

I also realized something that I've known for so long but never seemed to understand..

 what you want isn't always what you need..

everybody lies
everybody all the time
i lie to go to sleep when all is wrong or right
most of it's not there
everything and everywhere
i lie about you and me too
but it's allright everybody lies

make the wrong right

------

So I asked him..why do we even bother??

Nope. he didn't answer.

But now..it's over.. and I have to go and study effin macroeconomics...... @&#$%*!

Currently Listening The Weight Is a Gift By Nada Surf Always Love see related

At times like these I just feel tired of being me. I wish I could be anyone else but me...

But if that really happened..I would miss myself.

I guess the best thing to do is to stop thinking and just let go with the flow.. But I find it hard to live that way.

I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash and Buddy Holly these days. It's one of those times when you notice your musical genre is changing, along with many other things..

Many weird things happened in my life this month. Mainly;

• had a lot of trouble with my parents.. I hate kids, I really do..but just cause to prove my parents wrong I want to be the coolest mom ever one day.. uhm..or maybe not.!
• My room looks like anything but a room now..
• BaD girl! bad bad bad =( I'm falling behind in most of my classes. The spring has hit me hard..
• But I'm having a lot of fun being a social butterfly.!
• Plus I gotta new boyfriend.

But I'm really getting suspicious that things are wrong with me. So for the first time in a long time I felt that I can still like this boy even after we start going out. He pretty much has everything I would want in a guy..but..but..I don't know..(or maybe I do but don't want to share )

I just hope that in time we'll get to know each other better and who knows maybe I'll fall in love..hehe..the problem is, till that time..i probably shouldn't be acting the way I do around others.

I always thought I was one of the kindest, sweetest, innocent people out there. but everything is proving me wrong. It's amazing how easily people fall for their own lies..

A friend told me that after trying to get to understand boys I've made myself become one. (in the mind that is )

which can be a blessing or a curse.

Or maybe I'm so addicted to drama that when things are going great I get this urge to fuck it all up.!

Still, life is oh so precious.

..

I don't have any new pictures so in lieu of a proper journal entry I'll post this one from january, which is also my bf s favourite

also.. I was having fun with my nail-polishes..First I painted my toes and finger nails.

(you can never go wrong with black and red!)

and then....

Who says nail polish should strictly be used on nails!?!

My dragon was happy to have a make-over.

The same couldn't be said about my white carpet which has a long black line of nail polish on now nor my poor lungs..so i couldn't finish it.

But I feel strangely relieved now.

Or maybe im high from the fumes!

Currently Listening The Legend By Johnny Cash There you go see related